mortality check – an experience when, upon being confronted with a massively life changing event, one begins to question what is actually important in life.

When you visualize happiness, what do you picture? Is it a feeling of warmth and security? Are you making it rain with hundreds in a Scarface-type mansion (hopefully without the weaponry) or is your idea of happiness something simple?

My impression is that happiness is a very similar thing for most people no matter their background. After we wade through the nonsense that we think makes us happy – the stuff that we are tirelessly working for that just clutters our lives, I think most people come to a pretty similar conclusion. We want peace. We want to be with the people we love. We want everyone to be healthy and happy. It’s relatively simple. Think back to a few cherished memories. Are you remembering people, places, and experiences or are you remembering material things? The memories that come to mind for me are incredibly simple times with close friends and family; watching the news in the evenings with my grandparents, enjoying ice cream bars with my dad, snuggling with my babies, laughing with siblings after the kids are asleep during family vacations. My happiest memories come from moments of heartwarming nostalgia. Happiness is a very simple endeavor, but if we don’t look back on our happiest memories with an air of striving for a new generation of such simple happiness, we are in jeopardy of being caught up in the daily minutia of excess, of thinking that instead of our relationships and experiences bringing happiness, unneeded indulgences will.

There are a few things that happen in life to put actual happiness in perspective: the death of a loved one, a near-death experience, a life-threatening illness in the family, or any other massively life changing event that reminds us of our mortality. You have probably had the experience with one of the aforementioned scenarios. I’m sure you found yourself bargaining things away as you recalled joyous moments with this close person, memories that are in danger of never being repeated again; “If only my _____ would heal, I wouldn’t need anything. I could just be happy to have this person healthy and alive. I would just appreciate having him/her in my life.” Not only do we bargain, but we’re embarrassed by our past material concerns. The concerns that seemed so important last week are now absolutely frivolous, “How am I going to afford this perfect wedding dress? How much can we spend on our wedding favors? How can we get more roses? How much will the flowers cost?” Then you get a phone call. Your father just died. Less than two months before your wedding. Good luck with your damn flowers, because they no longer matter. Neither does your dress or any of those other seemingly critical details. The one detail that matters is the very loud void at your wedding, which no amount of money or flowers can fix. No matter how much love fills that reception hall, there is an absence of someone critical.

As much pain and suffering as these heart-wrenching events bring, they cannot be taken for granted. These are the life experiences that put life in perspective. They level us. It is as if we are receiving a message to be more humble, more thankful, more appreciative of the moments we have with our loved ones. These difficult times illustrate just how simple happiness really is. It is not about elaborate houses, fancy cars, an onslaught of expendable wealth. It is not that at all. It is a pure feeling that does not come for that which you can purchase. This is exactly what we come to realize after a “mortality check” – a time when you are forced to think about mortality, and that you don’t have a limitless amount of time on Earth. We finally grasp what it is that is actually important in life – the simple happiness, the things that we rarely take the time to acknowledge, the minor details of our most important relationships.

So why is it that after these life-altering pivots do we go back to trying to buy happiness? Why do we work more to earn more to spend less time with loved ones? Why are we so infatuated with the material objects that gain superficial pleasure, but ultimately take your time away from the people you care about and a fulfillment of simple happiness?

The problem is, if you have had the mortality check experience, it is likely that you will find your way back to your previous delta soon enough. When you exit the environment of mourning, it is relatively easy to get on with your life. There are family and friends, jobs, social obligations that will distract us from our pain. Sure, in a way that’s a good thing. What good will it do to live in a depressed state for the tragic absence of the past? That’s not helpful to life in any capacity. But to come back to the state of a superficial idea of what is important is a waste of an incredibly powerful learning experience.

Remember that bargaining time? The time when you prayed to God, the universe, whom/whatever you believe in, to spare you this pain, to let this important person in your life survive (or insert whatever scenario it was that brought about your mortality check), that is the moment which you should come back to. Now rewind to the time right before the phone call, before the awful news turned your life into an abyss. Imagine that you had the inclination that something terrible may happen or simply a realization that absolutely nothing is forever. What would you do differently? If you thought that your charmed life may be in for an unexpected twist, one which could take away the sense of what your family is, chances are you would try very hard to appreciate the moments of simple happiness: the embraces of your loved ones, the conversations with your kids that at times seem like you will never be able to squeeze a word in, the simple lazy weekend breakfast with your family when everyone discusses their hopes for the day. Those moments. The moments that seem so trivial, but when they are gone, you miss them more than anything else. Those are the moments to grasp on to as tightly as possible because there is no guarantee to what lies ahead.

This is precisely the state in which we should live: mortality check aftermath – the time after mourning, when we finally understand, or are once again reminded, that all of the material nonsense means absolutely nothing. It is not about the amount of flowers at your wedding, it is about understanding, that after stubbornly pronouncing with your soon-to-be husband “We can do it all ourselves.” regarding your wedding preparations – your sister and soon-to-be-father-in-law still show up in the dark of night, mere hours before your wedding to help dethorn the roses that will adorn the most momentous occasion of your marriage. Those are the moments that exhibit true and simple happiness; the cherished memories that bring meaning to life, the simple moments with loved ones that embody your relationship, the memories which cannot be replaced with any amount of material possessions, no matter how grandiose.

In our human quest for happiness, we must focus our energy on creating simple, happy memories with our loved ones, for they are really the only things which amount to any importance decades down the road when you are reminiscing about your life. We cannot let aspiration for material wealth dampen the importance of true, simple happiness.